Dating Younger Women - Single Dad
As we navigate “dating” again, we quickly realize the rules are very usually younger, women who had nearly nothing in common with me. A lot of guys think dating after divorce is impossible, let alone a good thing. For younger women, and women who haven't had any serious relationships, It may not seem like it, but single dads have a huge advantage in the dating scene. Ask Single Dad is the Single Parent Dating Q &A Section of SingleDad. Our members share their dating experiences and ask us the tough.
In fact, I prefer the hard questions. I will always try to answer honestly. And while we are no longer in a romantic relationship we went through the whole process, getting to know each other, dating, and later breaking up, without any drama. And I usually share this concept on the first date. Maybe this explains a lack of second dates. Two dogs meet up in a park. Either both tails are wagging; one tail is wagging; or neither tail is wagging.
I think some of this is hardwired. We need to have intellectual compatibility. We need to synchronize our schedules over time. If that IS what you are looking for, go for it. Unlike other guys who run off the moment a relationship hits a bump in the road, men who have been married have had to work through plenty of difficult times.
Women know the guy who has been married will at least try to work through any difficulties that might arise. This more relaxed approach to dating will make a guy come across as both more confident and more fun to be with than the guys desperately searching for that perfect girl.
- Dating a Younger Woman After Divorce Made Easy
- Woman reveals why she only dates divorced dads
- What a Divorced Dad Wants in the Next Relationship
They are better prepared for relationships A guy who was once married knows what a real relationship is all about. He knows how to share his life with another person. Younger women, and women who are not inclined for anything serious, can be more attracted to divorced men as well.
A divorcee is someone who can teach her a thing or two about relationships. Just to get it all out. This is frankly absurd. The OP might have some say if she were still living at home or if the younger partner in this "May"-December romance weren't approaching middle age, but Anonymous lives far from her father and everyone involved is well into adulthood so whatever this relationship may have looked like 25 years ago is moot. It's happening now, wish him well now, and--if you need to--keep your distance from now on.
You can feel whatever you want people! How you behave with your father or his girlfriend is another matter. As someone who is going through a VERY similar situation at the moment, I have developed the following strategy. I turn to my partner and other close friends to process his new relationship.
In these relationships I can be myself, vent my feelings and frustrations and have a sympathetic ear. But I am supportive of my dad's new relationship in all of my conversations with him. He actually started a new relationship in the midst of breaking up with his partner of 24 years. His friends are judging him and he is feeling very alone right now. I need to be there for him and part of that is being supportive of his new relationship, no matter how Jerry Springer-esque it is.
The plus, is that I'm actually getting closer to my father. I too am equally far away from him and see him twice a year, but the whole situation has gotten me to be much more regularly in touch with him.
And he seems to be very appreciative of it right now. Now I haven't met the new woman but I am really trying to think positively, try to see that she is bringing him happiness, and to be as genuine as I can. Here you sound like you're 24, if that.
Would you pass up a wonderful loving relationship with someone because they were, say, 22? Because of what other people might say? Or is there some other reason that we're all missing here? To me it sounds like you never did really forgive your father for his original fuckup. There was some healing, but now he's ripped the wound open again without actually doing anything wrong.
Otherwise, you'd be happy for him now, not creeped out. I think you'll have to deal with that old wound before you can deal with this. In the meantime, try not to burn any bridges. I don't blame you.
But it's not a horrible thing that he's doing, it's just a thing that's making you uncomfortable. I think if you got to know her, and went ahead and met her, it would help to do away with the creep factor.
Right now, she's an abstract idea of your former classmates, but she's an actual person with a job and likes and dislikes and a history like the rest of us. She's also probably as uncomfortable with the situation as you are. The only thing you can really do with situations like that is dive in and get used to the water.
You might have your assumptions positively challenged. You are mostly projecting your expectations on her. You would have been fine if he were dating a "fun, free-spirited woman, probably a widow".
One would think that could have been a somewhat reassuring thing, with rules and roles clearly defined, and for you an easier transition between step-mothers. Now, you are feeling threatened in your daughter role instead, and I think this is what irks you the most. Living on different sides of the country should make that easier. Good luck to both of you. There's nothing wrong with you. Anyone would understand why you would feel this way. It's not complicated - you've explained perfectly why this feels icky.
But I also agree with those who say you should do your best to get over it. You don't have to fall all over anyone with loving embraces, but it would be best for everyone if you can be gracious and polite and Maybe this is the biggest mistake your dad will ever make in his entire life -- but it's his mistake to make. Maybe it's a fine relationship - I know of two similar age-difference relationships that worked out well - one ended in permanent marriage, and one lasted a few years before an amicable parting - and neither was really about an older guy chasing a younger woman.
In both cases it was just something that worked. I have no doubt that it was no less weird for the families of the men in those relationships than this is for you, but the good thing is that it doesn't appear to have caused a serious rift. You want freedom to choose your own mates, I'm sure, and if this is not a good relationship, your dad will find that out.
You really don't have to approve to accept. But it's better to accept than build a wall. And at some later date you might genuinely approve. Do your parents get "right of refusal" on your partner?
The "younger woman" is This is not some 50 year old banging a 17 year old. This is a woman who has been a legal adult for 18 years. I think she has enough life experience to be making reasonable decisions about the age of the men she wishes to see. Absent any evidence your father is in a relationship which is harmful to anything other than your sense of proprietry, you need to get over yourself.
How his girlfriend makes you feel, what you pictured his new relationship would be like. As much as this may affect your innermost world: You can feel however you want, and have that right, but you risk alienating your dad forever if you are a butt about this relationship.
I would do everything possible to deal with your feelings yourself to avoid further discomfort and potential alienation. I shouldn't be hung up on the past. My brain knows, okay? Why can't I feel better?! People would say, "See a doctor" if something were bothering you physically. Sounds like this deserves professional help, too. Thus ends advice-giving segment; here follows my experience: Maybe just pointing that out without getting into specific issues would be a relief.
A child doesn't have to approve or give advice: My dad, brother and sister do you have siblings? I was adult enough to watch it with glee. If your dad wants you to meet the S. Can't say I totally blame you given the past history. In my family, they find new SO's before the old ones die, so that's my weirdout. Though at least this one's legal. However, you are going to have to suck it up, make nice, and pretend you are okay with it to your dad's face.
Eventually you will probably have to meet her and make nice if you want to see your dad, because they will be coming as a package deal, and as others have pointed out, he'll probably pick her over you if you throw a hissy.
Happily, you don't live near him, so you shouldn't have to put on the Happy Face too often. I think if you get to know and, possibly, like this woman, you'll get at least somewhat used to the age discrepancy. I mean, you wouldn't do it, I wouldn't do it and anyway my dad has told me I am NOT to bring home anyone older than himbut Love and companionship can be found in unlikely places sometimes.
That's not to devalue your feelings, which are natural, but you need to get over them and support your dad. Or as usual what Miko said. You're going to, to a certain degree, have right of refusal on his mates if they get serious Are you fucking kidding me?
The babysitter thing is a very likely candidate -- I'm sure the divorce was really hard on you, and for something like that to happen during a time in your life when you were figuring out who you were romantically and sexually and what relationships were like, I can't imagine that was easy.
I could see how his desire to date younger women could end up feeling somehow personal to you. You seem to be getting flashbacks of sorts hence, the high school locker analogy instead of "sharing the jungle gym" or an analogy from a different period of childhood. Even apart from questions of your own identity, I could see that if his desire for younger women once caused a period of chaos in your own life, you might understandably if unfortunately feel more bitterness and less compassion about it than you would otherwise.
If it helps at all, I know two couples with vast age differences, and their relationships are strong, warm, and loving. I wonder if his desire for this woman is essentially the same thing that made him cheat on your mom, or if, although the woman is still younger, since he's not cheating, this is coming from a more mature and stable place.
My parents are recently separated and my dad has been in a relationship I'm not all that psyched about either for different reasons.
What a Divorced Dad Wants in the Next Relationship
I deal by focusing on him. Put another way, after spending a bunch of time with yourself trying to understand and comfort the deeper parts of yourself that are getting stirred up by this, sorry that sounded all New AgeI'd try to shift your energies from "this is weird for me" to a feeling of concern for him.
Talk to him about their relationship from that perspective and see where you end up. Maybe you'll be happy for him, and maybe you'll end up wondering why he once again wants someone so [whatever], but in any case, you'll be seeing the situation more through the lens of "what does this mean to him and in the narrative of his life? How does he feel dating someone so much younger? Does he think this is similar to the babysitter situation maybe he now associates divorce with younger women so he got the urge to date someone young?
I'd try to see it from his point of view and get a conversation going, once you can do it with concern and interest. Anyway, if you want to bond over "my dad is dating someone new and this is weird," feel free to email me. I'll be meeting this woman over Christmas holiday. I don't read it as a mere "additional layer," I see it as core.
Talking out of my backside, natch. Grace is ia good idea here I think. That would bother a lot of people. Many consider peers as being in one's same "pool" for socialising, networking, and relationships. Being in the same age group as the person a parent is dating brings all kinds of weird issues to the forefront.
Therapy or counseling may well be the best choice to deal with the strange thoughts and itchy emotions this situation can inspire. After a difficult break-up, lots of people will go for their shallowest thrill or greatest comfort and many other permutations besides, including their deepest fears and a non-typical relationship may be just the thing to shake them out of their funk. If they're self-aware and fortunate in their selections, they may even pick out someone who works well as a continuing partner, no drama or trauma other than whatever the kids have to work out for themselves, of course.
There are less positive reasons and outcomes, certainly, but you'd notice other signs, like avoiding responsibility or behaving generally recklessly or feeling evicted from a prior social group, and you'd bring up those things instead, since they're more specifically and compassionately addressed for all parties.
Why would they choose to behave in that way? But I wouldn't, because it really is none of my business. Instead, I'd ask how they were feeling, if they were being treated well by this new person in their life but no overly personal details, pleasewhat kind of plans they have coming up or recently completed Checking in, making sure they're still circulating and staying engaged.
Not being harmed if they ever are, call the authorities. Then attend to your own emotions and role model your own, healthy future for yourself. And that's really all you can do, as far as that other person's relationship is concerned and your response to it.
I'm not sure if those things apply to you or not, but I hope they're worth thinking about as jumping off points for discovering how to deal with this development in your relationship with your father. Hopefully she'll have some awareness as to the delicateness of the situation. Admittedly, that email strikes me as tone deaf, but evidence that she is at least trying. Having observed something like this from a slight distance, I'm guessing that you are not the only one in your father's life who feels weird about the situation.
In the situation I observed, the much younger woman was overly sensitive to any reference to the age difference.
To Older Men Who Want to Date Younger Women…
Even if it was in the context of discussing something that happened before she was born. You can imagine how well this went over with people who had known him for much of his life. It was also hard to see the older man's daughter deal with her father dating a woman her age.
It didn't help that this woman lacked the daughter's intelligence and maturity. As far as I know, she never said anything, but it was evident that the situation was stressing her out.
Give this new woman a chance, try to keep an open mind, but don't beat yourself up if you meet her and still feel uncomfortable.
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In the situation I mention above, people dealt with their reactions by trying to focus on the positive effects the woman had on the man's life, so maybe you can try to keep that in mind.
I guess everyone else would have no problem with this kind of age disparity, but I can tell you all the people I know would be weirded out by this. She intellectually knows she shouldn't be bothered--she's trying to figure out how to deal with that visceral, instinctual feeling! And damn, have you guys never been confronted with trying to reason away feelings you know you shouldn't have? I think you are dealing with this incredibly gracefully, actually. I think there are a number of things going on here, so maybe if you tried to break them down they would help.
You are probably not ready to replace your step-mom, not inside anyway.