How Your Birth Order Affects Your Romantic Relationships | Thought Catalog
Dr. Kevin Leman explains which birth orders make the best matches. Marrying in your own birth order can lead to problems, so the question is, What is the best combination .. "Are we both aware of our next important date or engagement?. Birth order experts share how oldest, middle, youngest and only children “In a relationship, you can depend on first borns to push themselves. Ever wonder how birth order and your personality affects your relationship? can use to assess your compatibility, adds Catherine Salmon, PhD, professor . would have given them an edge in keeping a relationship healthy.
You owe that much to yourself and to our children--if you want to be the good role model you keep talking about. Don't let the last-born spouse take advantage of you. Sande was gentle-spirited but firm. She started expecting me to be a leader in our home and take an active role in meeting responsibilities. At times, she reminded me of my high school English teacher--the one in whose class I never goofed off because I knew better.
I even learned that changing diapers is not off-limits for a psychologist with a doctor's degree, and when our children started to arrive, I did my share of diapers, giving baths, and other baby care. In short, Mama Bear taught Papa Bear that parenthood isn't woman's work.
First borns prone to faultfinding must back off. If you want to find your last-born spouse's flaws, you certainly can because they are all over the place. Accept all the flaws you can or make gentle suggestions on how to correct them. And if you're the last born, remember not to flaunt your flaws in your first-born spouse's face. If you're a baby, remember others need the spotlight too. Last borns are notorious carrot-seekers as in, "Look at me, I'm performing--toss me a carrot. Last borns must remember they are not a one-man team.
Because they have that first-born spouse who is probably keeping things organized and running smoothly, last borns may go off on their impetuous own now and then--to buy something, schedule something, or just do something without letting their spouse know. One of the best bits of wisdom I ever received concerning marriage came from Dr.
An only child, Dr. Dobson is scholarly, organized, conscientious, and reliable. So one day while Sande and I were having lunch with him, I asked, "Jim, if there was one bit of advice you could give me, what would it be? Dobson's advice applies to any birth-order marriage match, but it especially applied to the last-born Cub and Mama Bear! I said to myself, If an only child with Jim Dobson's credentials thinks that's a good idea, then I do too!
What Your Birth Order Says About Your Relationships - mindbodygreen
I've tried to follow his advice ever since and it has always paid off. Middle Plus Middle Can Equal a Muddle As we have seen, two married middle children will probably not communicate well. They tend to feel it isn't worth the hassle to confront each other. They may also discount the value of their own opinions. These attitudes are typical of middle children. One simple little device that I have used with great success when counseling a middle married to a middle is the suggestion bowl.
Place a clear bowl or jar in a prominent place where both of you can see it and deposit in it your suggestions. Keep pads of paper and pencils or pens handy. The husband should use one color of paper; the wife another. When the husband wants to tell his wife something, he writes a suggestion on his pad and drops it into the bowl. And when the wife wants to give hubby a suggestion, she does the same.
Some spouses--particularly men--think the suggestion bowl is too much of a crutch, but I talk them into trying it anyway because, the fact is, some of us simply can't look our mate in the eye and tell him or her what is on our mind. Some other tips to keep the middle-child marriage healthy include: Build up each other's self-esteem.
Middle children often have a poor to only fair self-image, so let each other know you appreciate the other's strengths and abilities. Be sure to make sincere comments, not obvious pat-on-the-head remarks designed to flatter or manipulate. Provide plenty of space for outside friendships.
What Your Birth Order Can Tell You About Your Love Life
Remember that as middle children you both are probably big on having friends and social acquaintances. Encourage each other to make these kind of contacts, but only with the same sex. I know it's the '90s, but my files and the files of thousands of other counselors are full of examples of affairs that started because one spouse had a "special friend" of the opposite sex.
Do special things for each other. I've already mentioned this, but it bears repeating: Middle children usually don't grow up feeling very special because they are squeezed and ignored. You don't have to spend a lot of time or money. Love notes are always good. A single rose, a small bottle of cologne, a special dinner--it's definitely the thought, not the amount of money, that counts. Above all, show each other mutual respect.
You show respect when you telephone if you're running late; check with your spouse before making commitments; refrain from talking about your marriage in front of others; back each other up in front of the children, particularly on discipline matters; and never bad-mouth each other in the presence of others.
Middle Child Plus Baby--a Pretty Good Match According to birth order studies, middle children and last borns rank right up there as potentially successful pairings for marriage. The middle child, typically strong in negotiating and compromising, pairs up well with a socially outgoing baby of the family.
And somewhat paradoxically, this kind of marriage has a high probability for good communication--sharing feelings and rolling with the punches.
Yes, I know I said earlier that middle children tend to clam up and not share emotions, but the plus factor here is that middle children are not as threatened by babies of the family as they might be by meticulous exacting first borns. So, the odds--and remember, all of these birth order pairing observations go by the odds--are good for decent communication. Here are some tips for making a fairly good blend even better: Middle-child spouses should work things out, but guard against being condescending.
Last-born mates will smell that in a moment because people have been writing them off in a condescending way all their lives. Blend your social interests with your last-born spouse's desire to have fun. If you're a typical middle child, friends are important and you enjoy having people over and other social outreach.
If your last-born mate is typical, he or she will always be ready for adventure and trying something new.
When daily connections and pressures make it impossible to get away, the middle-child spouse should grant in fantasy that which is impossible in reality by saying something like: Last-born spouses should realize they have a selfish streak and a desire to hold the spotlight. Work at backing off from your demands for service or attention. Do everything you can to make your middle-child mate feel pampered and special. Don't have fun at your spouse's expense. This is good advice for any birth order, but it applies particularly to last borns who want to have fun, play practical jokes, and get in sarcastic little digs--all just to get a laugh.
Keep in mind, however, that many middle children battle feelings of inferiority and it's easy to press the wrong button or push too hard. The general rule is always try to laugh with your mate, not at him or her. They have a big problem with answering the metaphorical question, "Who is running the asylum?NEW! Birth Order Compatilibilty Dating
Two last borns must put their heads together and decide who will pay the bills, who will do the shopping, who will cook and clean up, who will take charge of the social calendar, who cleans house, and who is point guard on disciplining the kids.
Notice I said "point guard" for discipline, which suggests that Mom and Dad are a team, but that one of them may have to take the lead while the other one is backup. If last borns don't get a grip and make firm decisions on these practical matters, they can arrive in big-time trouble fast.
Babies of the family have a tendency to forget or assume their spouse was going to do what needed doing. I thought you were going to! But if your spouse is last born, guess who's catching the buck and throwing it right back in your face? They tend to bump heads because firstborns can be perfectionists and like having things done their own way, so it's all a matter of control. That doesn't mean you're doomed from the start, though.
For example, Hillary and Bill Clinton, who have been married 41 years, are both firstborns. To learn to let go, Leman writes that you should stop trying to improve your spouse, and instead bite your tongue and stop criticising.
He also says that you should define your roles carefully, so there's no power play over who pays the bills or who does the shopping. Firstborn-middle child relationships can be confusing for firstborns, because middle children can be closed off and bad at communicating their feelings.
Leman says that these couples should learn to open up to each other more, and firstborns should encourage middle children to speak by asking things like: Another middle child As the rule goes, Leman says, middle children do not communicate well, and this is twice as bad in a middle child partnership.
They don't tend to confront each other about things, because they feel it isn't worth the hassle, and instead bottle up their emotions. Middle children supposedly have the best track record for building a lasting marriage, because they grow up learning to compromise and negotiate with their siblings, according to Leman. However, this can be confusing to their partners because middle children can often hide their emotions instead of talking about what they really feel.
Compromising middle children are a good match for lastborns. Or, to keep things simple, just find little ways of building up each others' self-esteem by doing special things for each other.
It's also important to make sure to give each other plenty of space for outside friendships and to show each other a lot of mutual respect, like phoning to say if you're running late.
Although there are two types of middle child—the outgoing and the loner—both still share the common tendency to be good at compromising. Last Borns Studies have shown that last born children rate fairly similar to their middle-born counterparts but are also attributed more negative descriptors in keeping with the stereotype of them being spoiled. If the last born came many years after their nearest sibling, though, their experience is more like that of an only child. Firstborn to Firstborn This kind of blend could be seen a little risky since both are going to fight for dominance.
But did you know that Bill and Hilary Clinton are both firstborns? And because of that they were a classic combination of control, self-driven and natural leaders.
This combination may fight over simple things like where to eat, what to eat, what movie to watch since they both want to be always in control but all relationships have this kind of phase—only this combination would feel it more intense since they are not used to compromising.
Middle children may be good with compromising, which is a good trait for a long-lasting relationships but they are so convenient to be with that being with a firstborn whose personality is usually controlling and dominating could be the cause of lack of self-improvement on the side of the middle child. They might not be able to pursue their own dreams and goals in life because of their accommodating nature.